The Girl No One Wants.
No one wants to admit that they get lonely, the same way no one wants to acknowledge that they feel like the person girls/guys never notice as attractive. Hey, it’s okay to admit it so don’t feel bad. I’ve had it rough between being bullied and growing up a fat girl. I suffered dearly from low self esteem all the way until college. The problem is it never really was about my weight, but more about the attention paid to me inside and outside of my home.
When I reflect on words spoken to me over the years by males, friends, family, and complete strangers, I often wonder how to overcome those thoughts of doubt, insecurity and plain ol’ “ugly friend” syndrome. I felt it was necessary to share since being “the ugly friend” is a taboo topic that serves as a plague to many of us. Now if you’ve never experienced these thoughts or feelings, then BRAVO for your pretty, attention receiving ass. This is for every person who’s been in a room full of their average looking friends, yet managed to feel like they were a solid two on the beauty scale. If you have secretly wished that person would talk to you, and in the same breath had a small anxiety attack because you wouldn’t know what to say if they did approach you, then this is definitely for you.
I’ve carried the 'homie’ title for years when it comes to my male counterparts, so for the most part it had never bothered me much. I wasn’t the Beyonce of my girlfriends-- I often felt like an ex-member of the club, yet you could never tell by my personality. Because i was shy, i didn’t talk to many guys i was attracted to; I used Jr High and High School to break out of my shell. I’d table hop during lunch, never having a set group of friends to sit with on a daily basis. My wardrobe was plain, but there were days that i’d glam myself up hoping someone would compliment me. Of course, I did want to look good for myself, but i damn sure wanted the cute athlete to notice too. Who didn’t? I was very much the girl next door, completing high school without ever dating or getting a boo. I often would stand in my mirror and wonder if i was ugly, or did i have some personality flaw that warranted me undatable. Somehow i’ve never been able to shake a particular memory of my high school days that contribute to these thoughts.
Remember the movie Mean Girls? My high school had this exclusive group named the Hamilton Hotties: popular, and often white teen girls that were some type of VIP to all the school games. These girls usually dated the athletes, were cheerleaders or had some popularity status. It was like a repeated scene of Mean Girls when they all frolicked on campus in their members only gear... most of the girls secretly wanted to join and gain that exclusivity. They were rumored to be the football player’s groupies. I can only laugh at the thought of today’s youth dubbing them the 'Hamilton Thotties' due to current slang. Moving on, these girls were considered special because you had to be a senior to get in, but the unspoken truth was that you had to be popular or apart of the in crowd to get invited. Towards the last few weeks of school they would bombard classrooms with an invitation and a single rose to choose their next Katniss Everdeen. I had overheard many times that all you had to do was ask to be a Hottie and BOOM, they couldn’t say no. As someone who wanted to fit in as much as i wanted to stand out, i thought it’d be great to get into this clique, even though i wanted to punch many of those entitled chicken head’s in the face. I hatched a plan at the end of junior year. If we weren’t going to get invited, then we were going to nominate ourselves as tribute. I realize now that i’m always ready to shake something up when i feel myself or others are unfairly excluded, so I typed up a formal letter with a list of names that included many of my friends who were interested.
Well of course, my friends and I never got accepted, and we then formed our short lived ethnic version called Hamilton Honey’s. We were the queen Bee’s with our homemade shirts, and varied shades of brown girls. It was that type of support from other brown girls that didn’t make me feel so alone. Yet when I got to college, i found myself wondering why i couldn’t be the girl that guys wanted to talk to on her best dressed day. I’ve watched a few of my college and high school friends get married, and I keep coming back to the idea that i’m just the girl no one wants. I've decided 2016 will be my year of finding inner happiness, beauty, sexy and a new style. Finding out your inner beauty is what uplifts that sexy side. Create a mantra, repeat it, believe it... and it will manifest in your skin. The glow up can be real for you, too. Are you still struggling as an adult to find your inner Beyonce? Do you have a not so fond memory about dating that you want to share? Comment below and tell me all about it!